Battle of the Bands. Part 2.
(Never wear grey on stage!)
by Paul Castle.

Bri getting in some last minute practice.

The band joins the Phans in their luxury accommodation.

After a few hours sleep and with various group members suffering from hypothermia, the Phantoms decided a gourmet luncheon was in order. Once again, catering specialist, Al (with the help of his lovely assistant Simon), served up a nutritious feast of Pot Noodle, Sunny D and Pringles. Then, after a nervous couple of hours in which shares in Marlboro Lights and Kleenex Toilet Tissue went through the roof, it was over to Caesars for a final found check and rehearsal prior to the big one.
After much technical jargon (which only Brian understood), we came to the crucial matter of running orders for the evenings competition. Stiffler and Chilli D discussed the pros and cons of going on first and last while the Phantoms adopted a relaxed 'were not fussed when we go on' attitude. It was then that the scales tipped in our favor as we were then asked if we minded playing last! Now, for some strange reason, the Phantom's audiences have always enjoyed the gigs more the later we've played (possibly something to do with giving them more time to get drunk!), so the running order was absolutely vital to us and so we just about managed to contain ourselves as we were informed of the running order. Bring it on!
The next few hours seemed to crawl by as the tension of the occasion started to creep in. We occupied ourselves by plying one of the judges of the competition with a few beers and returning to Harry Ramsdens for an early dinner of chips'n'gravy and mushy peas. Nice!
8pm and it was time to rock and roll. After some amusing work from Haven's answer to Ant and Dec, the competitors and audience were informed how the evening was to play out. Three bands, three judges (a la Popstars), with the audience having the casting vote at the end via a 'clapometer'.
The first group into the fray were Stiffler, who delivered a great set, highlighted by a cover of Radioheads 'The Bends' and Steve Harleys 'Make Me Smile (Come Up and See Me)'. They impressed everybody, especially the attractive lady judge, who seemed very taken with Jamie McGuire, the lead guitarist. Maybe she was impressed with the way he handled his 'G-string' after it snapped half way through their set. They left the stage to a great reception and confidently retired to the bar.
After some technical difficulties which prompted an extended round of time filling by Ant and Dec, Chilli D were ready to groove. Playing and singing with consummate professionalism, their set seemed to fly before we were summoned to the backstage area to prepare (i.e. smoke and shake a lot!). We all tucked into the extensive rider apart from Si who went to the toilet again! It was then that a panicked stage manager explained the reason for the hold up before Chilli D's set. One of the guitar amps (ours!) had failed and there was no power light on the display! Simon (now back from the bog) smiled sagely as he listened to the tales of technical woe before explaining that the light takes at least 30 seconds to come on and that there was really nothing wrong at all, which he then proceeded to demonstrate. Completely unintentionally, we had sabotaged the start of Chilli D's set, but hey, that's showbiz!
Nervously, we then took up our places behind the curtain and awaited our cue. Showtime! The curtains rose, the audience cheered, the drums started and then... all the monitors on stage failed! Al (who was playing the house electronic drum kit) stopped playing as he could not hear anything leaving Paul and Brian exchanging 'lets get the van started' looks and frantic stage technicians running around the stage from all angles. After a mere 10 seconds of music, the curtains were hurriedly lowered to the sound of Al's immortal line to the crowd of "We've been the Phantoms, thank you and goodnight!"
Once again the compares launched into a routine primarily intended to humiliate one of our loyal followers, Sue Addison, whilst the sound system failure on stage was identified (in his excitement, Nov had pulled the lead out of the PA behind him!) and corrected. As tension reached breaking point, finally the curtain rose again and the band nailed the intro of the set, 'Bohemian Like You' (the one off the Vodaphone Ad) before launching into the old classic, 'Steppin Stone' where Mark & H made light work of a further mic failure. Helen then belted out 'Feelin Good' before the band delivered an all time great version of 'Stay'. A dirgy version of Britney Spears 'Baby One More Time' segued nicely into 'Song 2' by Blur, and suddenly, the crowd (and judges!) were up and rocking (a feat that the other bands had failed to achieve). Buoyed by the crowds response, the Phantoms then whipped them to fever pitch with 'Alright' by Supergrass and finally a brilliant version of 'Wonderful World' by Louie Armstrong. The crowd went crazy and the band left the stage to cries of more!
After hastily removing the equipment from the stage, the phantoms staggered to the bar and rejoined the Feltham posse at their VIP stage front table. The judges delivered their verdicts on all the bands and diplomatically voted for one band each. Thanks to the super Bob Roberts for tipping us the wink (strangely he wasn't the judge we were bribing before the gig!) So there it was, all square with the audience having the casting vote. Each band was then reintroduced to the throng who yelled out their appreciation. Chilli D registered a reading of 47 on the decibel meter, Stiffler polled a whopping 67 and finally it was the turn of Paul Baden and Jim Clarke to come to the fore! When their cheers had finally died away (along with those other 1200 delirious northerners!), the magic number of 74 decibels was recorded! Spotlights descended onto the Phantom zone and amidst much backslapping and hugging we were called to the stage to collect the trophy.
Gibbo made a short speech, thanking the audience, the organisors and the other bands (despite forgetting Chilli D's name!) A great night of celebration then ensued, highlighted by an unforgettable 'macarena' by members of all 3 bands! Just as the army were about to be called out with extra stocks of Grolsh, the lights went up and Sunday night at Caesars was over. 
Except it wasn't! Members of all 3 bands retired to Stifflers caravan and the night continued unabated. Infact, we would probably still be there now if the site Police hadn't told us to shut up and kicked us out at around 5am!
Groggily, the band resurfaced a few hours later, said their goodbyes and headed for home. After being spotted at the local petrol station, signing a few autographs and a pleasant detour to Portmieron for some classy 'band on the Prisoner set' photos, we finally completed the journey driving through the gates at Feltham at 7pm. Any thoughts of a ticker tape victorious welcome parade swiftly vanished as a work colleague (Pete Connell) spotted us driving in and asked "What's going on? Have you lads had a gig?" It seems our 15 minutes of fame had come and gone already! But what a 15 minutes, and what a weekend!

The victorious band pose on the trip home.

Lazy boys! (How many chins Paul?)