Battle of the Bands. Part 1.
(Don't shit on your own doorstep!)
by Paul Castle.

It's the end of summer, the bank account's dry, the Annual Leave's gone and there's only 8 months of winter to look forward to. What better than a weekend in North Wales to lift the spirits! Fortunately, southwest London's premier covers band, 'The Pheltham Phantoms' arrived at the Haven Holiday site, Hafan-e-moor (yes, really!) in good spirits and ready to rock and roll. Expectations of a 'Phoenix Nights'-esque weekend were soon confounded as we checked into the resort, a vast Hi-de-hi type site and our previously healthy complexions paled as we entered the main auditorium, a huge 3000 seater venue called 'Caesars Cabaret Bar'. Comfort was found for the first (but by no means the last) time at the bar and the band kicked back for an afternoon/evening of fun and hilarity. Our mood further improved with the arrival of our 'posse' of supporters, Jim & Julie Clarke, Annie Lockton, Sue Addison and the clan Baden.
Saturday morning and the Phantoms wisely opted for the safe option of throwing themselves down the tubes (literally) at the parks water splash facility with Simon endlessly circling the 'rapids'. We thought it would be good to shoot an amusing 'Monkees' style video but unfortunately our combined technical expertise failed to unlock the mysteries of the video camera view finder and the idea was swiftly banished. Whilst this was going on, Jim, one of our supporters, was on a quest to stick Phantom flyers up in every toilet on the site and under every car windscreen he could find. This later resulted in one of the competition judges saying that he could not take a piss without seeing our faces!
Further bonding ensued at Harry Ramsdens (where we first encountered some of the opposition) and at the 'Bonga Wonga Beach Club', the venue for the bands first official engagement of the weekend, headlining the CSSC gala dinner evening.
Following the golden rule of no more than 10 pints of strong lager before a gig, the band returned to their plush 5 star caravan to bicker and argue about the set. Wisely opting for a classic crowd pleasing free for all selection of old and new classics, the band had a chance to reflect on the afternoons sound check in which we had the opportunity to study our opposition fore the Battle of the Bands title. Firstly, 'Stiffler', a crack 5 piece of talented young men from Offsted and 'Chilled Distribution' (who will be known as 'Chilli D' from now on as it's quicker to type!), an exceptional jazz funk outfit from the Home Office.
Starting prices for the title were decided and money changed hands amongst the frenzied public as the early form was analysed and pondered upon.
Returning to ground zero, the groups culinary genius and Ringo-esque drummer, Al, delivered a stunning egg and bacon sandwich treat that provided the group with much needed sustenance (and heartburn!) before we returned to the venue and the evenings entertainment.
After quickly identifying the quickest route to the bar, we settled back to enjoy an evening of fun and merriment consisting of classic storytelling and uproarious stand up comedy courtesy of Kate Cornelius and Karen McCourt (don't give up the day jobs ladies!). Fortunately, Chilli D were on hand to deliver an excellent set which impressed everyone and set things up nicely for the Phantoms.
11.20, it was time to walk the walk. A set of 10 songs were then expertly delivered and as the dance floor filled to overflowing the band exchanged knowing 'I think were onto something here' looks of smug self satisfaction. A superb evening, highlighted by Paul Watson's (Stiffler's bass player) hilarious 'Greg Leganis' impression over a chair, ended all too soon. An early night was called for, and so, ever the professionals, we returned to base after closing time to drink ourselves into oblivion until 5am!
As the temperature dropped and the early stages of hangovers began to appear, once finely honed physiques broke down into trembling husks. In years to come I will look back and say "No matter where I am and how cold I get, I will never be colder than at the Bonga Wonga!"

Brian after one too many Bacardi Breezers!

Gibbo looking a bit peaky! Poor thing.